Ghosting: why you should avoid it

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You feel bad, you feel that lump in your throat.

You’ve applied for a job, but now you just want to get out of there.

You know you have to turn it down.

Something has changed.

You’ve found a new job that suits you better.

Or you’ve found out things about the company that make it impossible for you to be there for even one day:

That your boss is choleric.
That overtime is the order of the day.
That you have to be in the office five days a week, without exception.

It feels like you have to break up with your ex-employer.

So you disappear quietly, silently and secretly like a ghost.

Don’t do that!

We’ll tell you why ghosting is a bad idea and how you can make an exit that doesn’t harm you, but actually benefits you.

Why ghosting is so disastrous

Everyone knows about ghosting in dating: your crush suddenly seems to have disappeared from the face of the earth. You can no longer see their profile picture on WhatsApp either.

You’re left helpless and with a head full of questions:

What have I done wrong?
Has something bad happened to him/her?
Is there someone else?

Our brain can cope with a lot.

But what causes it really big problems is when it can’t find explanations for human behavior.

This phenomenon is called cognitive dissonance: your brain cannot reconcile contradictory behaviors.

This is particularly stressful if everything seemed to be going well before the actual disappearance: You were having nice dates, your crush was getting in touch regularly – and suddenly there’s a break that doesn’t make sense to you.

If you’re on the other side of the equation and are ghosting or thinking about ghosting yourself, then please don’t do it.

Ghosting has serious consequences for the other person, not only in your love life but also at work.

There is a rule of thumb: the later you ghost a company in the application process, the more difficult it will be for the company to find an emergency solution so spontaneously.

Not responding to an email invitation to a job interview is not cool.

But signing an employment contract and then simply not showing up for work is disastrous.

Why?

Because the employer has already invested a lot of resources in you up to this point: Time for interviews, setting up your workplace, planning for your onboarding and, last but not least, of course, the anticipation of you pitching in.

Nevertheless, a late rejection is still better than hosting. True to the motto: better late than never.

Let’s now look at the consequences of ghosting in detail.

Damage to your own reputation

The world of work is small.

Entrepreneurs talk to each other, as do recruiters, of course – at trade fairs, over lunch and via online platforms such as LinkedIn.

It is not uncommon for confidential conversations to lead to warnings about certain applicants – especially if the same person regularly hosts in a certain industry.

So if one day you don’t receive any responses to applications or receive inexplicable rejections, it could be because you have damaged your reputation through ghosting.

What’s particularly bad is that you can’t estimate the extent of the damage because you will never know how far your bad reputation already precedes you.

A guilty conscience

Most people have an inner compass that helps them to distinguish between right and wrong in everyday life.

Our conscience always speaks up particularly loudly when we actually know that a behavior is not right for us, but we do it anyway.

There are plenty of examples:

Drinking and smoking
Eating junk food
Not going to the gym

Ghosting is similar for many people: at first there is a sense of relief, of course. You’ve avoided difficult conversations by disappearing unmediated.

Disappointed faces, unpleasant questions and a lack of understanding: you don’t have to expose yourself to all of this when you ghost.

But you pay a high price for this short-term relief. It’s very likely that you’ll regret what you’ve done for hours, days or even weeks.

Is it worth it?

And is it proportionate to the unpleasant situation you will face if you are rejected?

From our point of view, the answer is clearly no.

Interpersonal consequences

You may think that ghosting is only really bad in dating. After all, it’s all about feelings, the potential partner has hopes that are dashed.

In the world of work, on the other hand, you are just one applicant among many. If you simply disappear like that, it will be noted in a matter-of-fact way. The company then continues to look for suitable candidates and forgets about you. Business as usual, no big deal.

Unfortunately, it’s not that simple.

Especially for small companies such as start-ups, the pain is deep when they are ghosted. After all, a company is looking for workers because they urgently need them.

This is due to three factors:

Skills shortage: Germany has too few skilled workers, so demand is correspondingly high.
High costs: Companies have to operate in a very planned and efficient manner in order to survive on the market.
Employee expectations: Employees want a good salary and benefits such as remote working, event attendance, mentoring, etc. at the same time. They also expect companies to operate ethically.

What we are getting at: Company bosses and their employees have to do a lot to get good people on board.

So we want you to understand that you are ghosting people – not faceless, anonymous companies.

That’s why you can now find out how to behave more intelligently in such situations.

No-go ghosting: how to do it better

The following tips will help you stay confident and avoid scorched earth.

Seeking a personal conversation

Ask for a personal meeting with those responsible. This shows your appreciation for the time and effort of others. If this is not possible due to time constraints, for example, then at least call to cancel. If there is no other way, write an email, which is the most impersonal way. But it’s still better than ghosting.

Cancel early

Private and professional circumstances can change, that’s totally human. But be fair and let your potential employer know. Don’t put it off for too long, as this will rob headhunters and recruiters of valuable time that they could use to continue looking for suitable candidates.

Use templates

You don’t have to reinvent the wheel or a rejection letter. If you want to withdraw your application, there are helpful guidelines and email templates. We recommend the articles and templates from Karrierebibel and Workwise.

Face your questions and feelings

It is quite possible that there will be questions about your rejection.

Of course, you are not obliged to answer them, but we recommend that you do so honestly. You can remain general, for example, you don’t have to reveal the name of the company where you are starting instead. For example, say:

“A new opportunity has come up for me that better suits my needs.”

Open-minded companies will also ask you what they could do better themselves in the application process or what mistakes they have made. Your feedback is extremely valuable here because those responsible can learn from it and increase their chances of success in recruiting employees.

Sudden rejections can trigger feelings of disappointment or anger in the other person. It’s unpleasant to endure this, but it’s really important to learn. You will have conflicts from time to time in life. Running away from them every time will make it impossible for you to have deep and fulfilling relationships. So see such situations as an exercise in which you grow as a person and develop further.

Say thank you

For the opportunity that the company has given you. This appreciation will make you look particularly professional. An honest, sincere thank you will earn you respect and you will be remembered fondly despite your rejection.

What if I don’t dare?

Let’s be honest: people ghast because they are overwhelmed by a social situation.

Being overwhelmed is nothing to be ashamed of. Nobody likes to expose themselves to unpleasant situations. So it’s always a good idea to get help:

Let yourself be coached

You can learn how to deal with your own fears and insecurities. There are numerous coaches and psychologists who are well versed in this and can help you to become more socially sociable. This work is worthwhile for all your relationships with other people.

Ask a friend for help

You’ve tried countless times to pick up your cell phone and make that rejection call. But you just can’t do it, it makes your stomach turn and you break out in a sweat.

If you’re reacting so violently, you don’t have to torture yourself. Maybe something happened in the communication with the company that didn’t work at all: Discrimination, for example, or just damn rude behavior. It may also have turned out that your future job would not be at all like the one described in the job advertisement.

In this case, ask a friend to cancel for you. This will take the pressure off you and the company will still be informed in good time. You can also have a friend with you for support when you call. You will then have a trusted person nearby with whom you can talk directly after the interview.

A professional approach is a door opener

Avoiding ghosting and instead communicating honestly and respectfully will have numerous positive effects on your future.

For example, a company may recommend you even though you have turned them down. The reason lies in your confident handling of a difficult social situation that you have mastered. Soft skills like these are urgently needed and appreciated in the business world.

Probably the most important argument against ghosting, however, is that you are putting obstacles in your own way when you ghost. Instead, be fair to the companies you apply to. Then the paths you want to take will be open to you.

So the overall message is: Have the courage! Go into the interview instead of gossiping.

Then you will find that most situations are not as bad as you imagine them to be. Your fellow human beings will often even be understanding if you explain the situation to them.

And even if they don’t, you can tell yourself that you did the right thing and be proud of yourself. In any case, you boost your self-confidence every time you leave your comfort zone rather than ghosting.